At the boarding gate, I can feel my heart beating - not rushed, but pounding.
It shouldn’t be different from any other plane trip, and seeing that I do them often it feels even more intense than it should.
After the rush of adrenaline of getting here wanes (Passport? All packed? Why does the taxi is so slow? Why is the line so long?), I finally check in with myself.
I stop. I breathe. Deep belly breaths.
And I feel the pounding of my heart even intensely.
I’m not worried or scared, but I am anxious. A good anxiety. The anxiety of being about to fulfill a dream, to visit a land that always fascinated me.
At this threshold, the liminal space of the airport, I don’t try to calm myself. No need for that, I’m not nervous. I don’t work to make the heart tranquil - I want to feel every beat, every sweat in the palms. Feel completely every aspect of the trip, good or bad, come what may, that’s the journey of now.
The reason why so many dreams go unlived is that we’re afraid. I believe that we’re not afraid of our dreams not being fulfilled, on the contrary - I think what we are really afraid of is of actually realizing that, once realized, we will be a different person from the one we’ve always known. Of the life we live. That we’ve grown accustomed to an image of ourselves, even if we know, deep down, that’s not our true, whole self.
We are terrified of becoming who we are.
At that threshold, when you’re alone with yourself and the unknown self that you’re about to become, you’ll be asked that one terrible question that might change everything, even if nothing changes and you’re forced to see yourself with new eyes.
Ready?
WIIFM
Fear and anxiety are feelings that get too easily spoken, but mostly because weee not accustomed to really feel our feelings. So whenever we feel our hearts pounding, our palms sweating, our mind rushing to find things to do to be absolutely certain of something - that’s a sign that change is upon us, and it’s our reptilian brain fighting against it.
Don’t let it take over.
Befriend your fear, dance with your anxiety, and thank them for caring about your wellbeing, but kindly remind them that change is natural, and the change about to come will be positive for your growth, come what may.
You’ve done everything you could, but now that day is over. The unavoidable change of night will come, and you’ll go into that liminal space (the airport, the cocoon, the rest of sleep, your self) and wake up different, even if the same. And you’ll live a new day.
May you have the courage to feel your dreams and become who you are.
Consoada
Manoel Bandeira
Quando a Indesejada das gentes chegar
(Não sei se dura ou caroável),
talvez eu tenha medo.
Talvez sorria, ou diga:
— Alô, iniludível!
O meu dia foi bom, pode a noite descer.
(A noite com os seus sortilégios.)
Encontrará lavrado o campo, a casa limpa,
A mesa posta,
Com cada coisa em seu lugar.
End of Day
Manuel Bandeira, ‘Consoada.’ Trans. M.M. Lisboa
When She whom no one loves arrives
(Be she harsh or tender)
I may be afraid.
I may smile, or say:
‘Hello there, unavoidable one!
My day went well, let night come.
(Night, with all its sorceries).
She will find the field ploughed, the house clean,
The table laid,
Everything in its place.
Very well written! In my experience I feel that excitement can also sometimes be misinterpreted as fear. Sound advice on befriending fear :)