She was happy, though; she was seeing her friends, staying with her parents, in the city where she grew up. Regardless of a terrible trip getting there, of being away from her husband, of her house, of her sun and her beach, she was happy.

But coming back (we were together on the way back), just as we got to Barcelona airport terminal and I said to them, Welcome home, family!, she started crying. (When you’re with someone for almost 15 years, you know when they are crying, even if you can’t see their faces.)

Are you ok?, I asked. More than my kids, I’m mostly preoccupied with her welfare; more than anything, I want her to be happy.

She looked back at me, smiling and sobbing.

I still can’t believe I call Barcelona ‘home’.

My mind raced through the path she and I made, all the crazy moves, all the sacrifices and difficult decisions and uncertainty that got us to live in Barcelona, and it all made sense at that exact moment. A sobbing smile as the true expression of gratitude for being alive.

WIIFM

When was the last time you cried of joy? What decisions you can make to put you into your desired life’s path? Life is more than checking off boxes.

Poet’s Corner

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

To be alive: not just the carcass 
but the spark. 
That’s crudely put, but… 
If we’re not supposed to dance, 
why all this music?

- Gregory Orr, To Be Alive

Of course, that would lead to a predictable, risk-reduced life. Most importantly, it allows you to transfer the agency of your own life into others’ sphere; “well, I did everything that was expected of me, so it’s not really my fault how things turned out.”

The thing is, that for the most part, we have been conditioned to do these things, to think these things, and to want these things. But, as poet Mary Oliver says, “you do not have to be good.”

True Freedom

I have recently attended a zen-mindfulness silent retreat, and the learning that stuck with me the most is that true freedom comes from not having conditioned responses.

(Staying silent for six days is incredible to flush out all the conditioning we have.)

The most obvious and direct example I had during the retreat was dealing with mosquitos. My conditioning is that mosquitos are bad, and when they land on you, you have to get them off (dead or alive…). So whenever I was meditating and a mosquito would land or buzz, I would stop everything and solve it. And I thoght that the mosquitos were getting in my way of proper meditation. Over time, I realized that this conditioning was not benefitting me — that they were not in my way, but they were the way of better meditation (after all, they only happen in the present); I started consciously choosing to use them as a mindfulness focus and my practice became much better.

We default to choices by anxiety (the social discomfort for not following the norms; the dread of questioning authority; the buzzing of the mosquitos, etc.) and rewards (praise our kids by behaving well; social acceptance for using the right language and clothes; the relief on the skin, etc.).

The Paradox of Unconditioned Response

The Anxiety-Reward Loop is a powerful trap. Not following the expectations create anxiety, and when we relieve that tension it generates relief (negative reinforcement) and a positive reward (belonging, accomplishment, etc.).

And the loop is made even stronger due to our brains’ energy conservation function. Dealing with the anxiety and uncertainty of breaking the norm demands energy. (It was incredible to see how exhausted I was by the end of the day after “just” meditating - even if over ten hours per day.) Breakign free from the Anxiety-Reward loop demands enormous amounts of energy — being present in the moment, actively thinking, weighing options, tolerating uncertainty and ambiguity, and (possibly) creating new neural pathways.

So there’s the double-whammy of the Anxitey-Reward Loop and the Energy Conservation Function. The paradox of unconditioned response comes from the fact that, to be truly free, we would have to treat every new moment as a complete fresh start — which would lead us to the impractical life of rejecting language and meaning at every breath.

The Solving of The Paradox: Shoshin

Zen practitioners would point to shoshin, or “beginner’s mind" (beginner’s heart would be the appropriate translation) — taking every new situation with fresh awareness. And that’s the key — awareness.

It would be highly impractical to spend the day thinking about your breathing, but when you do, the experience changes radically because of the awareness. The same can be done to all the activities we also do on autopilot: supermarket runs, email responses, who to marry, when to praise the kids, etc. Bringing awareness will change the perception, put the autopilot on hold, and allow you to respond rather than react.

WIIFM

Responding to life from a place of awareness will allow you to, as Mary Oliver puts it, “let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”

And that, in my book, is true freedom.

Poet’s Corner

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
-over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Wild Geese
Mary Oliver

We believe that the world is only getting worse, so why bother trying to do good? Or we believe ther we will finally have everlasting happiness when we own this phone or that car, and we stay miserable for not getting it or become miserable when we actually get it and realizing it didn’t bring happiness after all.

Alan Watts, responsible for much of the westernization of Eastern philosophies (chiefly, Buddhism and Taoism), makes a stiking distinction between belief and faith:

Have Faith

Two of the most direct distinction of belief and faith in business are the yearly budget and the management by objectives. By definition, they’re wrong - setting in stone what needs to happen in twelve months is both impossible and detrimental to success. How would you be able to seize good opportunities if they’re not budgeted for? How would you deploy the creativity and energy of your teams if they are bound for the year to the activities by the bonus?

These are tools to give people the sense of control over reality, when reality is ever changing. Is it too new-age-y asking companies to do away with these practices and have faith in their people? Maybe. But those that do are reaping massive benefits. As one of the companies put it, “In the new way of thinking, we aim to make money without knowing how we do it, as opposed to the old way of losing money knowing exactly how we lost it.”

The same is true for careers. Never in my plans (when I had them) were to finish a grinding pre-seed startup acceleration program on the first try, launch a company, close it eight months later to join an industry I knew nothing about, move to New Zealand two years later without a job, get a job in Austria during Covid while still in New Zealand, and rejoin the company I left with an European position and move to the city of my wife’s dreams, Barcelona. How could I have planned this?

I couldn’t. But I learned - and I’m still learning - to have faith in others, in life, and in me. And I can’t wait to see what comes next.

WIIFM

Detach your sense of worth from the results of your work. The shiny items, the praise, the thing everyone is seeking is not the measure of who you are; they can be one consequence of a good work, well done, for the right reasons, but when you actually do a good work, well done, for the right reasons, you’ll likely not even care too much for what you get. The joy is in the dance.

Poet’s Corner

[Du Dunkelheit]

Rainer Maria Rilke

Du Dunkelheit, aus der ich stamme,
ich liebe dich mehr als die Flamme,
welche die Welt begrenzt,
indem sie glänzt
für irgendeinen Kreis,
aus dem heraus kein Wesen von ihr weiß.

Aber die Dunkelheit hält alles an sich:
Gestalten und Flammen, Tiere und mich,
wie sie's errafft,
Menschen und Mächte -

Und es kann sein: eine große Kraft
rührt sich in meiner Nachbarschaft.

Ich glaube an Nächte.

[You Darkness]

(Translated from the German by Robert Bly)

You darkness, that I come from,
I love you more than all the fires
that fence in the world,
for the fire makes
a circle of light for everyone,
and then no one outside learns of you.

But the darkness pulls in everything:
shapes and fires, animals and myself,
how easily it gathers them! —
powers and people —

and it is possible a great energy
is moving near me.

I have faith in nights.

As long as there is no pause, we are not humans. Rest is what makes us alive. Greater than any artificial intelligence.

Dr Clarrisa Pinkola Estés, in The Joyous Body, speaks of the “companion,” the one that has a wisdom and intuition of its own, the body that accompanies us through all our lives, loving us and helping us be alive, be human. We repay it by abusing it - over eating, over drinking, over- and under-moving it, howling against it, and, most pernicious of all, overworking it.

It’s particularly pernicious because we have collectively agreed to pay the cost of success - work long and hard and the powers that be might reward you (he is a machine!). Of course, they can always replace you with robots - which mean, in the original Czech robota, “forced labor,” but hey - no one is forcing you, right? At least, not when you’re slaving away to the algorithms (on the giving or receiving end.)

We must break this paradigm.

Friendship with Darkness

The signs of burnout and overwork are very well documented, but as David Whyte puts it, one way to identify it is noting when you resent slow moving people - the old man in the airport, the wheelchair lady at the restaurant, the foreigner struggling to make himself understood at the counter.

Are you really late, is your time really that more important, will the project really fail if you don’t take immediate action? Or are you just so used to moving, to moving ever faster actually, that you are in fact afraid of who you would find when you finally slowed down?

Resting is a revolutionary act. Not only because it breaks with the toxicity of a always-on society, but because that’s the only place where you can work on the things that really matter - on yourself.

WIIFM

Take your life back. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t work hard - you must, but it must be for the right reasons, for something that makes sense for you, that transforms the world for the better. You are given a body to transmute the world, so stop seeing it as something you own and start seeing as someone you owe respect, reverence, and rest. To be at your best, you need rest. To have a clear mind, you need rest. To know who you are, you need rest.

Stop playing small. Take rests.

Sweet Darkness

David Whyte

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone,
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your home
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.

Radical acceptance requires courage and strength, honesty and sharpness, agency and willpower. It’s the opposite of what you usually associate with the concept of acceptance - a calm, smiling, quasi sheepish wise old person that doesn’t seem to be bothered by anything.

No, that’s not acceptance, that’s resignation; that’s despair. That’s giving up on the one life you have, giving up on your self and your wants and your potential.

Rage, rage against the dying of light

We’ve spoken about death as a metaphor for change (after all, that’s what life and death are) and that change is the constant in the universe. Resisting change is at the heart of suffering, but this resistance can take many forms, like denial, resignation, and withdrawal. But the poet Dylan Thomas makes us a more radical invitation: rage against the dying of light.

Responding to change, on the other hand, is what really sets apart those that make their will effected in life. It’s not enough to accept change; we have to accept that there is change, and adjust accordingly. In most cases, minor actions are sufficient, or even no action at all; you don’t have to bend reality to your will every time, nor is it in your best interest - save the energy and willpower to when they’re needed the most. And that’s where violent action is required.

Violence, clearly understood, not as the way we usually understand it, but as intense action and vehement expression (Merriam-Webster). Intense action is required to bring about grand visions, big plans, transformational projects, and a life worth living - a life that is examined, guided by reason, virtue, and principles, as Socrates said.

A Life Worth Living

Socrates was a soldier who fought in the Peloponnesian War, a stonemason and a public speaker. He was known for his wisdom, his self-control, and his courage in the face of danger. He was also known for his sharp wit and his ability to expose the ignorance of those who pretended to be wise.

As most people who refuse to adapt to a sick society, Socrates was a controversial figure. He was critical of the Athenian government and the traditional religious beliefs of his time, mostly because he believed that an unconstrained pursuit of money and power, in lieu of a higher self development, was detrimental to humans and to society. This led him to be condemned by the Athenian government for corrupting the youth of Athens. In 399 BC, Socrates was put on trial for impiety and corrupting the youth. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by drinking hemlock, a poison.

He didn’t fight the veredict or tried to flee the condemnation - those would be denials of reality and unfit for a man preaching the courageous life. Instead, he took a violent action, a raging act againts the dying of light that was free speech and free thinking. He immediately drank the poison offered, even as all his acolytes urged him to fight and live on. Drinking the hemlock was, in fact, his strongest commitment and act of faith in his beliefs; by doing that, he sent a violent message through centuries and millenia that his message was the righteous message. (We can easily think of other examples, like Jesus, Joan of Arc, Mandela, etc. - none of them meek.)

WIIFM

We have been trained to seek comfort, ease, and tranquility, and to accept life as is. That doesn’t benefit you in any sense. You must be willing to endure criticism, pain, discomfort, and anxiety if that means growing as a person and effecting change into your reality. As Reinhold Nieburh said in his Serenity Prayer, “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Do not go gentle into that good night

Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.

W. H. Murray

If you want to break from analysis paralysis, commit to taking action. Writer’s block is not real; the idea that it needs to be perfectly written is what’s blocking you. Once you start writing, the process will take care of itself.

WIIFM

Committing is taking action after a decision. Commit, and as Goethe said, providence will bring about forces you can’t fathom to aid you.

The Road Not Taken

Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

You see, everyone says they like change, they want change, but when it comes down to it, no one is willing to change.

Of course they aren’t. Burning hurts, and it’s not a physical transformation that you can reverse, like that of water, but a chemical transformation, one that cannot be undone, like that of fire.

We say we want greatness, a life worth telling others about, something to go down in history. But, we haggle with life, we’re not willing to give up anything for it.

Money. Time. Energy. People. Our social image. Net-f*cking-flix after dinner.

No, we want the good stuff. We’ve been sold that we deserve it. Sorry, but that’s not true. Everyone deserves to be happy, but happiness is not what they told you. Money is just a surrogate for it. Fame and social status are even poorer substitutes for it than money.

Happiness is a life worth living.

I participated in a Tea Ceremony today, and the Tea Master and I talked about life and work. He quit his career as a stockbroker in Tokyo and came back to Nara to dedicate himself to tea and the Japanese culture. We got to discuss how shops here are open every day of the year, and I asked if that’s not working too much.

No, he said, working as a stockbroker five days per week was too much. I only had money; now I have purpose. We here love our work. What kills you is work done without heart.

Prometheus, who stole the fire from the gods, wanted Humans to have Hubris. He’s calling you now.

What will you burn?

The Self Slaved

Patrick Kavanagh

Me I will throw away

Me sufficient for the day

The sticky self that clings

Adhesions on the wings

To love and adventure

To go on the grand tour

A man must be free

From self-necessity

See over there

A created splendour

Made by one individual

From things residual

With all the various

Qualities hilarious

Of what

Hitherto was not:

A November mood

As by one man understood;

Familiar, an old custom

Leaves falling, a white frosting

Bringing a sanguine dream

A new beginning with an old theme

Throw away thy sloth

Self, carry off my wrath

With its self-righteous

Satirising blotches

No self, no self-exposure

The weakness of the proser

But undefeatable

By means of the beatable

I will have love, have love

From anything made of

And a life with a shapely form

With gaiety and charm

And capable of receiving

With grace the grace of living

And wild moments too

Self when freed from you.

Prometheus calls me: Son,

We’ll both go off together

In this delightful weather.

It shouldn’t be different from any other plane trip, and seeing that I do them often it feels even more intense than it should.

After the rush of adrenaline of getting here wanes (Passport? All packed? Why does the taxi is so slow? Why is the line so long?), I finally check in with myself.

I stop. I breathe. Deep belly breaths.

And I feel the pounding of my heart even intensely.

I’m not worried or scared, but I am anxious. A good anxiety. The anxiety of being about to fulfill a dream, to visit a land that always fascinated me.

At this threshold, the liminal space of the airport, I don’t try to calm myself. No need for that, I’m not nervous. I don’t work to make the heart tranquil - I want to feel every beat, every sweat in the palms. Feel completely every aspect of the trip, good or bad, come what may, that’s the journey of now.

The reason why so many dreams go unlived is that we’re afraid. I believe that we’re not afraid of our dreams not being fulfilled, on the contrary - I think what we are really afraid of is of actually realizing that, once realized, we will be a different person from the one we’ve always known. Of the life we live. That we’ve grown accustomed to an image of ourselves, even if we know, deep down, that’s not our true, whole self.

We are terrified of becoming who we are.

At that threshold, when you’re alone with yourself and the unknown self that you’re about to become, you’ll be asked that one terrible question that might change everything, even if nothing changes and you’re forced to see yourself with new eyes.

Ready?

WIIFM

Fear and anxiety are feelings that get too easily spoken, but mostly because weee not accustomed to really feel our feelings. So whenever we feel our hearts pounding, our palms sweating, our mind rushing to find things to do to be absolutely certain of something - that’s a sign that change is upon us, and it’s our reptilian brain fighting against it.

Don’t let it take over.

Befriend your fear, dance with your anxiety, and thank them for caring about your wellbeing, but kindly remind them that change is natural, and the change about to come will be positive for your growth, come what may.

You’ve done everything you could, but now that day is over. The unavoidable change of night will come, and you’ll go into that liminal space (the airport, the cocoon, the rest of sleep, your self) and wake up different, even if the same. And you’ll live a new day.

May you have the courage to feel your dreams and become who you are.

Consoada

Manoel Bandeira

Quando a Indesejada das gentes chegar

(Não sei se dura ou caroável),

talvez eu tenha medo.

Talvez sorria, ou diga:

— Alô, iniludível!

O meu dia foi bom, pode a noite descer.

(A noite com os seus sortilégios.)

Encontrará lavrado o campo, a casa limpa,

A mesa posta,

Com cada coisa em seu lugar.

End of Day

Manuel Bandeira, ‘Consoada.’ Trans. M.M. Lisboa

When She whom no one loves arrives

(Be she harsh or tender)

I may be afraid.

I may smile, or say:

‘Hello there, unavoidable one!

My day went well, let night come.

(Night, with all its sorceries).

She will find the field ploughed, the house clean,

The table laid,

Everything in its place.

A Factory Worker (Modern Times, by Charles Chaplin, 1936). The only difference is that you’re sitting and using a keyboard.

Nothing wrong with a steady, safe job, one that puts food on the table and pays the mortgage, you tell yourself. You can always find some expression of who you are in your hobbies and side gigs. And if you’re lucky enough, you might just get picked by the right person, at the right time, that sees your talent, and will propel you to stardom and give you everything you need to live from what you really, really want to do. And then you’ll be happy ever after.

That, of course, is a fairy tale. Not that there is no Prince Charming, but if you’re waiting to get picked, not only you’ll be disappointed when he goes to the other house, you’ll have no agency on your life. And that is at the heart of the lack of humanity we’re living.

You see, the siren’s song of “safe” is too strong. “Comfortable” is what kills you - not physically, but (way worse) it kills your soul. You were made to evolve, to become who you are, and that’s not the definition of comfortable.

“I have decided to starve”

Charles Bukowski had always wanted to be a writer. After finishing high school in 1939, he studied art, journalism, and literature, before moving to New York in 1941 to pursue his calling. He got a job as a blue-collar worker to support himself while trying to “make it” into the literary world, but after five years with no success, he gave up writing as a career and did it for himself, only very sporadically for less known publications (one had exactly two editions printed.)

After a near-fatal ulcer, in 1955, he decided to take writing seriously again, and during this time he worked again as a blue-collar while publishing much more often, always with small presses, and focusing on poetry. This went on for more than a decade. Until John Martin, the editor of one of the larger presses, made him an offer of publishing him in exchange for royalties - no guarantees. He was 49 years old.

"I have one of two choices –,” he wrote, “stay in the post office and go crazy ... or stay out here and play at writer and starve. I have decided to starve." He accepted the offer and quit his job the next day. He became one of the greatest modern poets.

He didn’t wait to be picked - he chose to keep relentlessly writing, for years, not for some reward, but because that’s who he was. Even when chance presented itself, there were no guarantees, no safety net, no comfortable promises. There was only the courage to live a life true to who he was.

Bukowski’s life is considered to be a disaster by most people, and most people would also classify his poetry as vulgar (or not poetry at all.) He was okay with this, his art was not for everyone. But it still appeals to those with the courage to live, to be willing to starve if that brings them closer to becoming who they are.

#WIIMF

My wife and I “decided to starve” in 2019, when we left very good jobs in Brazil to move to New Zealand with two babies, no income, and no promises. It had always been our dream to move, but with life circumsances like those, and with the kids growing and being close to their grandfathers and family, most would consider foolish, crazy, or irresponsible to abandon everything to do it without a safe path.

As Bukowski would say, we had to choices - stay in Brazil and go numb, or move and risk starving. We chose to starve.

We wanted our kids to grow knowing that their parents lived without regrets, in which family is not an anchor to be secretly despised, but a ship that sets us free and feels like home wherever we are. And that’s how we feel - not always easy or comfortable to be a foreigner away from family and friends, but absolutely proud, content, and free.

No Leaders Please

Charles Bukowski

invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
don’t swim in the same slough.

invent yourself and then reinvent yourself
and
stay out of the clutches of mediocrity.

invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
change your tone and shape so often that they can
never
categorize you.

reinvigorate yourself and
accept what is
but only on the terms that you have invented
and reinvented.

be self-taught.

and reinvent your life because you must;
it is your life and
its history
and the present
belong only to
you.

Born a black man in a middle family, he had the stacks against him during the seggregation years of the USA. At age thriteen, to his mother’s disapproval, he got his hands on a trumpet (she wanted him to play the violin). A short few years later, Miles Davis left his hometown in Illinois to join The Juilliard School, a private school in New York City considered one of the world’s top in performing arts.

This alone would already be considered a feat reserved for the best, especially under his conditions. Miles was smart, dedicated, and a quick learner, and was doing well in a very demanding school. During the nights, though, instead of locking himself in his room and practicing his scales, he went out to live the music of New York. He had no trouble finding gigs to play with other musicians, especially in areas where black people gathered. He fell in love with jazz.

Shortly before two years, Miles Davis took a train back home to tell his father he was decided to stop studying at Juilliard. “That’s dead white men’s music,” he said, something he could no longer see himself doing. He wanted to give life to a living music, black people music. He was going to be a jazz player.

“I'll approve of your dropping out, and will even pay for your expenses while you need me to,” said his father, who knew how talented Miles Davis was. “On one condition,” he continued: “you must not sound like anyone else, ever."

My favorite jazz song, Blue in Green, in a masterful collaboration of three giants and the lead song in the most successful jazz album ever. This song is considered “the Impressionist’s painting in Jazz” for breaking with many of the “accepted” norms of how jazz should be.

Of course, he was Miles Davis, so easy for him, right? Well, he was definitely not an easy person, and some accounts would portray him as a proper jerk, from signing songs he never wrote (as is said about Blue in Green) to drug abuse and cheating on partners. Others would say that was a persona he put to be able to endure the fame and the showbiz.

I, for one, don’t care much, and I don’t think Miles Davis would as well. Whatever he did after he was famous is not the most important part of his history. Not entering Juilliard also - a guarantee of success as a musician, one of the professions with most rarified success rates. But being willing to walk out of this and accepting his final challenge, posed by his father - that is the hubris we should all be capable of. The only way of becoming who we are is being willing to be disliked for sounding like no one else, ever.